What is assertiveness?
The Cambridge dictionary defines assertiveness as: behaving confidently and not being frightened to say what you want or believe. It's the ability to:
Express our thoughts and feelings (both positive and negative) in an open and direct way, whilst respecting the opinions of others.
Stand up for our rights, whilst still respecting the rights of others.
Take responsibility for ourselves and our actions, without judging or blaming other people.
Negotiate respectfully with others when we disagree.
Assertiveness is behaving confidently and not being frightened to say what you want or believe.
What isn't assertiveness?
This can be categorised as three distinct areas:
Direct Aggression - Speaking loudly; threatening, hurtful or judgmental words; fixed eye contact, intruding into another's personal space. The meaning of which is: "my needs are more important than yours."
Passivity - Speaking quietly / apologetic tone; beating-around-the-bush, putting oneself down; looking away / hands slouching near face. The meaning of which is: "Your needs are more important than mine."
Indirect / 'Passive' agression - Sarcastic tone; making comments or 'jokes' which are hurtful; pulling faces or raising eyebrows. The meaning of which is: "My needs are more important than yours but I don't want you to know that I think that!" - essentially trying to make the other feel guilty.
You might notice that one of the key differences between what is and isn't assertiveness is in the the emotional charge which all these other ways of communicating needs have behind them. In being assertive, you're trying to remove the emotion as much as possible.
Resources:
Cambridge Dictionary
Handout from Springfield Hospital's Recovery College